Have you ever retaliated and been blamed for simply reacting to your partner’s bad behaviour? By raising your voice in frustration, and suddenly, you become the ‘angry one’. This is known as “reactive abuse”.
At Birkett and Co Solicitors we are experts in cases of domestic abuse. We aim to raise awareness and understanding for those who may be experiencing, or know someone who is being affected by, “reactive abuse”.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse. Behaviour of a person towards another person is abusive if it consists of any of the following:-
- physical or sexual abuse;
- violent or threatening behaviour;
- controlling or coercive behaviour;
- economic abuse;
- psychological or emotional abuse.
Understanding how “reactive abuse” works
Reactive abuse happens when a person subjected to a prolonged period of continuous abuse which results in the victim suddenly lashing out at their abuser in return; either by attacking their abuser physically or verbally. This reaction can be uncharacteristic, often leaving them feeling confused and shameful as to why they have acted in such a way.
The term ‘reactive abuse’ is a poor way to describe those who are being abused as they are in fact acting in self-defence. Although the term is widely used, it is misleading and harmful to those subjected to abuse as it suggests both partners are abusive and are both equally to blame, when this is not the case.
Sadly, perpetrators of domestic abuse often seek to portray themselves as victims [1] and will deliberately push their partner to a breaking point whereby they will use their partner’s reaction as ‘proof’ that their partner is in fact the abusive one. Reactive abuse is one of the most common tactics used by abusers [2] and one they largely rely upon, why? Well, this tactic supports the abuser’s false narrative that it is their partner who is the unstable and abusive one in the relationship. This manipulative strategy completely deflects the perpetrator’s abusive behaviour onto the partner who is in fact, the victim of coercive and controlling behaviour, as well as other abuse they may be subjected to.
Am I a victim of reactive abuse?
Those who are in an abusive relationship may find it confusing to distinguish who is at fault or whether they are equally to blame.
Some of the signs you are suffering from a relationship involving reactive abuse may include but are not limited to:-
- Uncharacteristic behaviour;
- Feeling confused in relation to your actions and why you have acted in a certain way;
- Feeling guilty and ashamed of your behaviour;
- Fearful that your partner will use your actions as evidence against you.
The psychological impact of reactive abuse
Recent research shows experiencing abuse can be traumatic and can cause physical and psychological damage [3].
Those who experience reactive abuse are often faced with a situation that may seem completely out of their control. The dynamic of this type of abuse essentially traps the victim in a cycle whereby they are consistently criticised and emotionally provoked to a point where they can no longer hold back their reaction, which is then in turn used against them. This can leave the victim feeling confused, frustrated and often can cause them to have suicidal thoughts [4].
Recent research has found those experiencing coercive control are more likely to use physical violence towards their abuser. This type of abuse increases a victim’s use of physical violence as a survival strategy. The survival instinct can explain the dynamic in which a person who is being emotionally manipulated may react in an uncharacteristic manner [5].
Signs your partner is trying to make you use self-defence against you
- The abuser intentionally provokes you and only stops when you react angrily;
- Intentionally antagonises you in a public place so people see your reaction and from face value, may believe you are the abuser;
- The abuser constantly keeps a record or cites ‘proof’ of the times you have been ‘abusive’ towards them;
- The abuser plays the victim.
The link between gaslighting and reactive abuse
Those who have experienced the dynamic of reactive abuse, may also have experienced gaslighting in the following ways which include but are not limited to:-
- Shifting the blame;
- Changing the narrative;
- Denial and lying;
- Trivialising or minimising.
Reactive abuse is often considered as a form of gaslighting whereby the abuser emotionally manipulates their victim and makes them believe everything is always their fault. This can cause the person to feel as they are losing their mind.
I feel like I am going crazy, what can I do?
We are experts in cases involving abusive behaviours and completely understand how daunting it may feel to begin to acknowledge that you may be in an abusive relationship. Our solicitors are here to listen, understand and support you from the moment we start working with you. Please do not hesitate to get in touch. You can contact us and book your free initial 30-minute consultation here.
References
[1] Pump Court Chambers, (September 2023) Domestic Abuse Tactics in the Family Courts: How do we achieve cultural change? Available at: https://www.pumpcourtchambers.com/2023/09/01/domestic-abuse-tactics-in-the-family-courts-how-do-we-achieve-cultural-change/#_ftnref6
[2] Safe lives research, (October 2019) Psychological Violence Full report, page 68. Available at: https://www.safelivesresearch.org.uk/Comms/Psychological%20Violence%20-%20Full%20Report.pdf
[3] Patra P, Prakash J, Patra B, Khanna P (October 2018) Intimate partner violence: Wounds are deeper. doi: 10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_74_17. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6278226/
[4] Rakovec-Felser Z (October 2014) Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationship from Public Health Perspective. doi: 10.4081/hpr.2014.1821. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4768593/
[5] Bettinson, V. and Wake, N. (January 2024), A New Self-Defence Framework for Domestic Abuse Survivors Who Use Violent Resistance in Response. https://doi.org/10.1111/1468-2230.12837. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4768593/